There’ll Be Days When You’ll Get An Ass Whooping
I got a kick in the throat by the universe today. I know this fight well. Life sticks it to me every now and then. It goes like this: I declare that I’m going to do something great, then I slack off and the universe goes: “You didn’t really mean it, did you? Because if you did you wouldn’t be putting up with this shite, and you are. So here’s more of it. Take that and we’ll soon see how determined you are to change your life.”
There were so many odd little fuck ups. It literally started with the creepiest sky I’ve seen. As soon as I put my foot out the door this morning it was there, looming over me. I felt like an extra in an end-of-days horror movie. I tore down the road in my little banger of a ’99 Peugeot 206 and seriously wondered if there was a tornado on the way and, if there was, would Theresa Mannion have the balls to cover it.
A few hours later I got punched straight into the eye of the ego with a comment about me I happened to overhear.
Here’s my big question: when someone tries to knock you down, do you let them? If you know you’re good at something but someone puts it to you that you’re not, who’s right? Do you let the doubt creep in?
I want to write. Big style. It’s ma thang. It makes me feel like this:
Today I heard my first critic opine about the shortcomings of my work. I firmly believe it was the universe’s way of asking me to decide if I’m brave enough to put my creative ass on the line, which I’ve been doing this past week.
“Can you take the shit that comes with putting your work out there? You can? Here’s some shit for you. Go eat it. If you can stomach it, you might be a writer some day.”
I stomached it. Not without some serious chimp action though. I had to really bring myself to the realisation that what other people think of me, or my writing, is their business, not mine. Ima write my words.
Mental chaos is self-perpetuating. It takes a strong counter force to stop it in its tracks. And because the counter force of my level head wasn’t applied until, well, just now, the entire day was a write off.
Work? Utter madness. But I escaped on time, as I promised myself I would. Then I got into the car and spotted the red petrol light, which I’d been ignoring for a stupid amount of time. I grudgingly got to the garage and, of course, the pumps were taken on the side I needed. I did some crazy ass reversing to use the awkward other side and thought to myself, fuck you petrol pumps, fuck you. Then I went to pay and was followed out of the shop by the sales assistant. “You forgot your keys,” he said. “Of course I did,” I said.
Gav usually picks up Kian but today it was on me, which I’m not used to, so naturally enough my brain drove me straight home without him. Then my internet went down. Then my phone started hopping because my sister was going back to the States and I’d forgotten to pop home to say goodbye. I won’t go on. I might as well be giving you Chinese burns with this whinging. I’m annoying myself to be honest. You get the drift – I was a victim of the negative thinking snowball effect today.
Until now. Because I’ve realised this:
Life kicks you in the hole sometimes to rock your self-belief. It’s fine to complain of the pain, but it’s not fine to lose your self-belief. Protect your dreams. Fiercely.
If you want to do something you love but you’re not doing it because somebody told you you couldn’t, cop on. If I had to so do you. Do what you love and never stop.
It’s not enough to say you believe in yourself, you actually have to prove it. That, I’m beginning to learn, is what self-care is all about.
Friday tomorrow. Get in!
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